Do you believe in God? As a survivor of horrific child abuse, I am often asked that question. I tell them that I do now, but I was once an atheist. My journey to believe began with a tiny seed, the morning glory seed.
The God of my childhood was mean and judgmental
As a child, I was taught God was angry with me. I had heard it so many times the words were seared into my brain. I believed this god sat on his golden throne and laughed each time I stumbled, chuckled each time I failed. This god hated me. This was the god of my childhood. When I turned 18, I wanted nothing to do with that god so I became an atheist.
When I began my journey of healing from the abuse, I scoffed at the mention of God. I would never trust my well-being to some old bearded guy who found pleasure in my pain.
But I'm a gardener...
I love to plant seeds and watch them grow. One spring I planted a packet of morning glory seeds in a corner of my yard. I watered the seeds, pulled any weeds that popped up, and fertilized the soil. Soon tiny seedlings emerged from the ground. After several weeks, the tiny seeds were four feet long vines. By mid-summer, the tiny black seeds I had planted in the spring were now sprawling vines covered in multi-colored blooms.
How did this tiny seed change into these beautiful flowers?
One evening I gazed at my trellis covered in morning glories and thought about how a tiny seed had grown into a luscious vine with gorgeous flowers. The transformation baffled me. How could a microscopic seed turn into a vine loaded with pink and purple flowers? Sure I had watched it with my own eyes. Sure, it had been a gradual change, happening over time, little by little—but I wasn’t the one who did it. I concluded something greater, something bigger, something more powerful than a person had grown the morning glory vine.
I studied the century-old pecan trees behind my house with limbs stretching toward the sky. Each one had to sprout from a small seed before it could grow into a large tree. Every plant in my yard had a source of energy flowing through it, pushing it to grow, helping it to blossom. This awe-inspiring force propelled each plant to reach its full potential. I didn’t have to understand it for the plant to grow—I just had to be willing to plant the seed.
God was waiting for me to plant my seed so I could grow and heal
The same way God grows the trees and flowers, God strengthened me to heal from unspeakable crimes. When I became rooted and grounded in God’s healing nature, I began to flourish and bloom and was able to face my future with confidence.
The seed for my happiness and well-being was always within me. It was just waiting for me to plant it so I could grow.