While growing up, I was often put-down and criticized. I accepted every critical remark as the absolute truth and never questioned its validity. Consequently, I became depressed and lacked the confidence to make simple decisions.
One day a family member visited my home. As he left, he noticed a bald spot in my yard. I had been watering the patch, trying to get grass to cover it with no luck. He sneered at me and pointed to it. “You will never get the grass to grow there.”
Another insult, another critical comment—I believed his words proved my unworthiness. I crumbled inside and sunk into my pit of depression.
Grass will never grow there.
The next day I stared at the patch of dirt, wishing it would go away. However, over the years, I had learned that whether or not something would grow didn’t depend on what people said, but on the weather and the condition of the soil.
I set a goal to cover that area of dirt with a luscious green carpet. I studied the area and decided on a method. I added fresh topsoil, fertilized it, sprinkled grass seed over it and watered it each day. Soon blades of grass spouted and eventually blanketed the area with Bermuda grass.
The family member had been wrong.
Grass did grow.
One afternoon I was mowing the grassy area and realized the family member had been wrong. Grass did grow where he had told me it wouldn’t. His comments hadn’t been clairvoyant or insightful. His words had been spoken in haste and judgment and had revealed more about him and his character than me or my yard.
Is there any truth to it? Can it help me grow?
That incident taught me to review and assess the negative comments I receive. Now when someone criticizes me, I ask if there is any truth to it? Can it help me grow?
I must remember that I am not defined by another person’s opinion of me, and my worth and value is not based on whether or not grass grows in a certain corner of my yard. Each person is a unique individual with a specific purpose. We are all valuable. We are all special in the eyes of our creator. Anything said or implied to the contrary is wrong.
If I am on the wrong track, I want to know, but I no longer beat myself up over every negative comment someone makes to me. With a little insight, self-reflection and discernment, I can determine whether the criticism is honest or if it needs to be forgotten.
Many people spit out words without thinking how it will affect the other person. Those words are not worth remembering. People can be wrong—just because someone says something doesn’t mean it’s true.
I will enjoy the grass I do have.
Even though grass doesn’t cover my entire lawn, I can enjoy what I do have. I can accept my yard—and myself—as we are and enjoy the progress I have made. I will walk across my lawn, feel the blades of grass between my toes and remind myself not to allow another’s opinion to limit me. I will listen and be open to their words, but I won’t be controlled by them.
Because grass can grow anywhere—with a little insight and determination.
How do you deal with criticism?
8 responses to “Blades of Criticism”
Thank you so much for the reminder Sallie. Just last week someone insulted me and said some pretty hateful things about me. It really shook my confidence and made me doubt myself. I did reflect on the comments to determine if there was any truth, but I have been struggling to let it go. I really like how you said “ just because someone says something doesn’t mean it’s true“ and it “revealed more about him and his character than me.” I needed to hear that. Your insightfulness is truly appreciated, thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Amy, for your comments. Glad this post helped you with a critical person.
Great post, Sallie. Our self-esteem is formed by many factors. The words of family members, although important, don’t have to be our only mirror. We’re so much more than that. I am my accomplishments, experiences, talents, interests, education, exposure, hopes, and desires – just to name a few things. I have strengths as well as weaknesses. It’s freeing to embrace our imperfections without letting it crush us. Some folks are just going to be negative and say critical things. You have the right attitude about sifting and evaluating what they’ve said. Ultimately, though, our value comes from being made in the image of our Creator. After that, the details of who we are is just icing on the cake.
Thank you, Dottie.
I love your perspective. Thank you for your comment.
I identify with what you have written. I too was raised by an abusive father but not to the extent that you were.
Sorry you had a father like that. I hope you were able to find a kernel of wisdom in my post that will help you in your journey through life. Thank you for your comment. Sallie
In recovery, I was able to start learning how to just hear the words, and ignore the tone or subverted (mean) intent. This really kinda surprised the people (mostly family) who had been able to say kind words in a spiteful way and know that I was obliged to take their words at face value.
It is not directly applicable to the exchange you’ve described but to Take what works and leave the rest I believe applies not just to exchanges with people in recovery but everybody.
His words did not offer any help but maybe he has some knowledge about lawn care that could be tapped. And maybe not. But by coolly hearing his face value words and dismissing any implied or insinuated judgement, you get to where you become at least an equal in any regular situation. ‘I don’t accept the harsh thing you are trying to give me. ‘
Work in ACA has helped with this, too, by allowing me to treat *myself* as I think people should be treated. I now help train people in what I will and will not accept. This has meant people self-selecting their way out of my life and that has not always been easy or immediate, but a better path than trying to change them, or keep myself low.
I am a child of God, meant to shine as all children are. As I give myself the liberty to shine, others feel free to also shine. — this part was a paraphrase of Marianne Williamson’s famous written passage.
Thank you, Sallie, for embracing your gifts and sharing them so we can have such a conversation.