“It’s all your fault. It’s your fault they did that.” Those words were repeated to me over and over during my childhood. Each time I heard them, I added another rock to my ever-growing sack of guilt.
By the time I reached adulthood, I blamed myself for everything that went wrong. I exaggerated my mistakes and questioned my decisions. I trudged through life weighted down with an imaginary sack filled with rocks from my failures, mistakes, misunderstandings, imperfections and shame. I felt wrong. I felt guilty. I felt like a criminal.
One day a friend gave me a cutting from a valuable plant that she prized, and I planted it in my backyard. Most things I plant thrive and grow, but this one didn’t. Within two weeks it was dead.
What did I do wrong?
My guilt nagged at me. What did I do wrong? Did I water it too much? Did it get too much sun? I dealt with it by avoiding my friend.
After months of dodging her, the massive sack of guilt I had been lugging around began to overwhelm me. I couldn’t sleep. I withdrew from life. A cloud of depression settled on me. Eventually, I collapsed under the weight of my own guilt.
This breakdown forced me to take a good, honest look at myself and my actions. I had to examine my past and identify the cause of each nagging, damaging belief.
I found some of the rocks were self-imposed. I had to admit that I wasn’t perfect and made mistakes. I had to stop blaming myself every time something went wrong. I even gave myself permission to fail, to lose, to be a human being.
Other rocks were from somebody else’s bad behavior that I had taken on. With my parents, I had assumed responsibility for their wrong decisions. Even if I had behaved badly, I wasn’t responsible for their choices and actions. I was only responsible for myself, my behavior, and my reactions.
As I emptied my sack, I didn’t whitewash my actions with self-justification or self-righteousness, and I didn’t accept the blame for another person’s irrational behavior.
I apologized to my friend
I took responsibility for any harm I had caused and did whatever I needed to rid myself of the uncomfortable feeling of guilt. One of the first things I did was apologize to my friend and admit that the plant had died. She smiled and said it was okay.
That simple act really lightened my load. I began to sleep better and to laugh more often. I soon realized how my guilty feelings had weighted me down.
I repeated this until all the rocks had been removed from my sack. I found the more I stopped being overly critical of myself, the lighter and freer I felt. I started walking through life with my head held high and my mind clear. After a while, my shoulder muscles relaxed and the tension and pressure from carrying that heavy sack of guilt melted away.
Emptying my sack of guilt has allowed me to move forward and live a richer, fuller, more joyous life. I am embracing this new way of living and enjoying the changes in my life. Now my days start with the freedom of a clear conscience and end with a peaceful mind—and it is wonderful.
2 responses to “Faulty Rocks”
What an inspiring story Sallie! I have a loved one who is struggling in a difficult situation and she too “blames herself for everything that goes wrong and exaggerates her mistakes and questions her decisions”. I am going to forward your blog on to her so she can see that she is not alone and that she should not give up because there is always hope. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you, Amy, for your encouraging comments.