When I was a young child, I was raped. The church I attended blamed victims for a sexual assault, claiming they had sin in their lives, had disobeyed God or were simply wearing the wrong clothes. One church leader said rape survivors like me were worthless pieces of chewed-up gum who were destined to be spit out and trampled on.
For years I saw myself as the church saw me: a used piece of gum. I constantly wondered what was wrong with me and didn’t believe I could do anything right. I was miserable and hated my life.
One summer, I wanted to grow sunflowers in a flower bed beside my home. My overwhelming feelings of guilt and shame made me doubt they would grow. Nevertheless, I decided to try. My hands buried the oblong seeds under black dirt while tears dripped off my cheeks. Each evening after work, I watered the seeds and pulled the weeds.
I began to look forward to my time in the garden
Much to my surprise, the seeds sprouted and grew tall coarse stalks of golden flowers. I began to look forward to my time in the garden. I enjoyed sitting on the cool grass with my back pressed against the wooden fence, delighting in the peaceful presence of the towering sunny blooms.
One day I made a huge mistake. I believed it proved I was a failure. The destructive beliefs of my past rose to the surface and exploded. Tears cascaded down my face. I ran to my spot in the garden, fell on the grass and wailed sorrow-filled moans from the pit of my soul.
After my pain had eased, I sat up and leaned against the fence. Through my tear-filled eyes, I noticed the yellow rays of the sun-kissed flowers fluttering in the breeze. With their golden faces reaching for the sky, the bright petals waved to me, beckoning me to acknowledge them, to admire them.
The flowers accepted me just as I was—faults and all
I reminded the flowers of the damaging words spoken over me. I shared my pain, my fears, my trauma. The flowers listened and responded by showering me with their glory. They accepted me just as I was—faults and all. To them, I was enough. Their delicate faces warmed my heart and comforted my soul. I smiled at them, honoring and cherishing their beauty. As I did, my own beauty became visible to me.
I saw that I, too, was a flower, a thing of beauty, a divine creation. I had worth, value, significance and deserved to be treated with respect and dignity. Like the sunflowers, I deserved to be honored and loved.
With my head held high, I left the garden knowing I was deserving of love, of goodness, of happiness. I now appreciated the unique experiences that had shaped me into who I was today. I now knew that, despite what had happened to me, despite what I had been told, I was a beautiful, worthwhile person—and so are you.
10 responses to “Honoring Beauty”
Raw, touching and beautiful writing Sallie. Thank you for sharing this. ???
Thank you, Jacqueline.
Sallie
Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story! It is through hearing other’s experience, strength and hope that we learn and grow.
Thank you, Amy.
Sallie
Thank you for sharing these deep emotions and the joy that grew out of the ashes of you experiences. Gardening is so healing and I know you continue to love nurturing plants.
Thank you, Joan.
Thank you for sharing this with all of us ? You are radiant and worthy always!!!!!
Sunflowers are some of my favorite flowers. I’m so glad their beauty showed you your beauty!
Sallie, I see you as a tall coarse stalk of a golden flower! Lovely writing, I feel your pain and vulnerability in every sharing, but despite all you have endured, you have risen above it all – proud and magnificent. I look forward to reading your book, I know it will be such an inspiration of “hope, healing, and growth”. I can’t wait!
-Laura
Thank you Laura.
Sallie